Then something happened. Plain and simple, I did not make it to the finish line at Ironman Lake Placid. I failed.
About 2 months ago, I finally was able to tell Tammy that this has been haunting me for the last 12 months. It literally has been on my mind and bothering me for months and months.
I have failed at things before. Missing the game winning shot. Losing a State Championship game. Not getting a job I felt I deserved. But for some reason, this really, really aggravated me.
From the moment I was on the beach, I knew I had no desire to be racing IMLP. The swim was fine, but the moment I got onto my bike, I wanted nothing to do with this race. The miserable feeling grew and grew until mile 56 when I stopped and saw my family. With their encouragement, I continued, albeit, reluctantly.
In my mind, I was looking for any excuse not to continue. At mile 90, I found it, dehydration. I hadn't pee'd even after drinking enough liquids to make a fish jealous. My mind was telling my body that I was unable and willing to finish. Finally, at mile 100, I called it quits.
To this day, I am thoroughly pissed off at myself for making that call.
In hindsight, I should have just sat at the medical tent, rested, got my bearings and continued on. There was no reason for me NOT to continue. For the first time that I can can remember, I just gave up. I cracked.
Eighteen months later, it still eats away at me. I can't explain my frustration and disappointment I feel from that day, but I now have a chance at redemption.
You see, I was able to get into Lake Placid for 2011. In 7 months, if all goes well, I will be back on the beach in Lake Placid, New York with 2600 of my closest friends. I have nothing to prove to anyone, but a lot to prove to myself.
A lot has changed in 2 years, that's for sure. I raced only 2 times in 2010 while focusing on my running. I have a new job with more responsibilities. Summers are now longer "free" and I seem to be busier than ever. However, this may be exactly what I need to re-focus and get stronger.
I am unsure whether finishing IMLP in 2011 will exorcise my demons of 2009, but time will tell.
2 comments:
I know we've never really talked about it; guys don't really. I can tell you from personal experience redemption is sweet! I'm glad you're taking another swing at IMLP, I'm sure you'll hit it out of the park. Looking forward to taking the journey with you.
It's AWESOME to hear you will be doing Lake Placid with us in 2011!! I learned last year after Providence that I need to worry less about how fast I can finish and more on just finishing. It worked very well for me at Timberman and I had a lot more fun.
It will be great to train with you and Kim for this awesome journey!!
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